From Shri Sameer Vinayak Kar's Diary

Maybe there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I am not made for politics. Yeah! I am sure I am not made for politics. As a law graduate, I could have made mincemeat of these Jaitleys who rule over Supreme Court!

But I gave up my ambitions for the service of the people. Twenty years of my life I gave to them, and what did I get? Zilch! Precisely zilch if you disregard the hundred odd crores I milked off that Mirage deal. And even that would be a distant dream had that Sodhi guy gotten defence. It was amazing how Dawoodbhai set that thing up. Even the IB report said Sodhi died in a highway accident! It's a pity Dawoodbhai ain't here anymore. Things were so much better with him around.

Aah, the good old days. When politics was a civilized game. Today's MPs are more goons than leaders. Corrupt minds, criminal connections, nefarious intentions - I hate them all! And most of all, I hate their hypocrisy when they call themselves janta ka sevak!

I think India needs me today. Perhaps it needs me even more than it needed me twenty years ago when I stood from Midnapore. It was amazing how easily I won my first election. I would dress in Bengali costumes, read Roman transliterations of Bengali speeches and whenever the crowd became dull, I would loudly proclaim Ami tomay bhaalobaashi! And before I knew, Midnapore was rooting for me. To be fair, the party high-command did arrange for a few poll booths to be captured - but I think I would have won anyway.

My troubles started the day I entered Parliament. I was to be sworn in that day. People advised me that my electorate will love it if I took my oath in Bengali. By now I considered myself an expert in reading romanized Bengali and I confidently agreed. I felt the oath went quite well. Ignoring the smirks and giggles in the audience, I regained my seat. Gosh! Even parliamentarians rag newcomers!, I thought. It was only later that I realized I had goofed up when that Calcutta West MP told me, "Tumko maloom, amaar Bengali maa constitution nahi shongbidhan bolte hai!"

Trust Bengalis to be sentimental about their language. The next day's newspapers in Midnapore all carried cartoons poking fun at my faux pas. How I wish I could have strangled the editors!

I guess that is the problem with me. I can't stand it when people joke at my expense. And politicians all need a bit of humor. I am not made for politics.

As an opposition MP, I quickly learnt how to get noticed by the top leaders. Whenever I felt that the ruling party was gaining an upper hand, I would shout "Tanashahi nahi chalegi" and wait to see if my war cry gathered momentum. And if some number of MPs showed interest, I would take off, faster than a 747, and land straight in the well of the house. I learnt then that not allowing the other guy to speak was the best way to debate!

The party realized my potential and within ten years I was an important party leader. I did not win many elections initially. But then politics is never about people - its about the people who matter. The party top brass, contacts like Dawoodbhai, relations with leaders in other parties. And I had enough connections to ensure I remained vital to my party.

Time flew on. In the meantime, I got the honor to be India's defence minister. Now my words carried weight! I made headlines day in and day out. Once I said "Poora Kashmir 2025 tak humara hoga!". It had seemed like a cool thing to say. A tough defence minister - I liked the image. And no liabilities attached for I would surely not be defence minister in 2025!

But the media fried my ass! I hate the media because they hate me. Whatever I do, those Pak-loving-bastards see red. Even when I bought those wonderful Mirages for our Air Force, not one newspaper praised me! All reports focussed on kickbacks and scandals and what not. Is it so difficult to see the good side of things? If only I could have strangled the editors!

I guess that is the problem with me. I can't stand criticism. And in politics, one must learn to be thick-skinned. I am not made for politics.

Our government did not last long and my office was snatched before I could even learn the name of my peon! Elections followed and I won from Purulia - after all, incumbent Cabinet Ministers rarely lose! Our party decided to support Rathi jee's givernment from outside. As quid pro quo, I was appointed Speaker of the Lok Sabha. Shri Sameer Vinayak Kar, Speaker - the name plate looked so good!

But it wasn't good at all. On my first day itself, I saw how unruly and indisciplined the MPs had become. At the slightest issue or provocation, every backbencher would troop to the well of the house and shout slogans. They never even let the other guy speak! Each day the story was repeated. The media labelled me a weak Speaker - one incapable of controlling the members. If only I could have strangled the editors!

It was August 28th when I blew it up. The week before had been immensely productive for the House when we clocked more than twenty hours of sustained debate and only twenty-three adjournments! That day, the House was scheduled to discuss Ayodhya and a bill relating to renumerations of MPs. Easy, I thought. I had surely not bargained for what followed.

As soon as the debate on Ayodhya began, the entire house was on its feet. I felt completely lost! Shouts, allegations, denials, dramatics - I could see it all, but could follow nothing! I failed to understand why someone would discuss an obscure has-been mosque in Ayodhya when important items like MP's renumerations were on the agenda. Lost in these thoughts, I looked on as the Hon'ble Home Minister made his speech. Suddenly, while the Home Minister was talking of secular forces and communal forces, one member decided to test the gravitational forces. Using his microphone as a projectile, he took aim and the misslie landed on the poor Minister's nose! The Home Minister literally turned red - from blood that is! Everyone was stunned and I quickly decided to adjourn the House, but not before I had suspended the guilty member and asked the Marshals to take him out.

The House reconvened two hours later. I noticed the Home Minister's face was now white - with bandages! Emboldened by my success at dealing with the truant member, I decided to make a speech to consolidate my authority.

"Fellow Members of Parliament", I began. "The standards of behavior in this august House are rapidly deteriorating."

From the corner of my eye, I could notice a junior member creating some pandemomium among the ruling party benches. Feigning ignorance, I continued, "This is the same House that has seen the likes of ..."

"Yeh speaker kisi kaam ka nahi hai!", a voice rang clearly in the House.

Stunned into silence, my brain instructed me to shift my gaze to the source of the sound. I saw a member pointing at me with his headphones. The human brain is the fastest computer ever made. In a fraction of a second my brain registered the member's pock-marked face, retrieved his name, verified he was not from my party, verified he was not from my caste, verified he did not belong to any minority, instructed my legs to stand and ordered my lungs to explode. I had had enough!

"Would you repeat that, please?", I asked.

"Yeh speaker kisi kaam ka nahi hai!"

"How dare you?", my voice cracking, "You dare to challenge the Speaker of the House? You question my authority? Tere jaise do kaudi ke MP ki mujhe bekaar kehne ki himmat kaise hui!"

I went on for about a minute or two. The MP looked stunned - his gaze oscillating between my fiery eyes and those pathetic headphones he clutched as though they'll save his life.

"Marshals, throw this idiot out right away!"

"But Speaker Sir ..."

"You are expelled from this House at this very ..."

"Sir aap bekaar mein naraaz ..."

"Ab tu mujhe gussa hona sikhayega!"

"Par Sir, mein aapki nahi inki baat kar raha tha. Yeh kaan wale speaker ... woh kya kehte hai .. haan, walkman ... yeh kisi kaam ke nahi hai. Mujhe angrezi aati nahi, aur hindi anuvaad inmein sunayi nahi de raha hai!"

My brain again took just a fraction of a second to assess the situation and give me its appraisal - You blew this one big time, sucker! I had committed the one blunder a politician is not allowed to commit. I had lost my cool. After a hasty apology I adjourned the house for the day.

The incident was of course manna for the damned media. The Punjab Kesri screamed, "Sameer bana toofan". NDTV reported, "The Lok Sabha witnessed unruly scenes today when Shri Kar, the Speaker, turned shrieker and needlessly censured Shri Gir Mahajan Nanda, an MP from Maharashtra. The incident assumes significance amidst increased dissent concerning Kar's autocratic style of functioning. Let us take you over for an exclusive interview with Mr. Nanda ..."

If only I could have strangled these editors!